Fart Joke of the Day

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.

But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke. The wife, understandably is angry and says: "One day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."

The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

"What happened?" asked his wife. 

"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out." 

"What did you do?" asked his wife. 

"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

Sticky Situation

ELKTON, Md., April 7 (UPI) -- A man who sat on a glue-covered toilet seat in a Maryland Walmart suffered minor injuries but authorities said the perpetrator of the prank could land in jail.

The prank was actually a day early for April Fools' Day, CNN reported. Police, paramedics and firefighters were summoned to the store in Elkton Thursday, March 31, at about 7 p.m. EDT.

Firefighters spent 15 minutes getting the victim off the john. The victim, identified only as a 48-year-old man, had to be taken to Union Hospital of Cecil County with the toilet seat still glued to his rear end, Lt. Matthew Donnelly of the Elkton Police Department said.

The seat was finally removed at the hospital, leaving the man with only minor injuries. Donnelly said the person who carried out the prank could be charged with second-degree assault. Investigators say the attack appears to have been someone's idea of fun and the victim was simply unlucky.

The Midas Throne

Favoured resident of the Hall of Gold, a 24 karat gold lavatory handcrafted and displayed in a showcase of gold artifacts by Hong Kong-based jewelry company Hang Fung Gold Technology, may be royally flushed for good should the price of the precious metal hit $1400 an ounce. The toilet will be melted down and sold to finance the group's expansion plans.

The 0.91 metric tonnes of gold masquerading as a toilet could fetch a very profitable return on investment for Hang Fung due to the soaring demand for gold in the China market. The returns from the melt-down is said to approximate $32 million, a hefty figure indeed for a toilet.

The Right Stuff...

Q: How do astronauts go to the bathroom in space?

A: Typically, there are toilets similar in function to toilets on Earth, but they use air suction instead of water to make the waste go where they want it to, since there is no gravity. Solid wastes are compressed and stored on-board, and then removed after returning to Earth. Waste water is vented to space, although future systems may be able to recycle it.

There are many things we take for granted here on Earth that take on a whole new set of problems when you are in space orbiting the Earth. One of the most frequently asked questions that NASA receives involves bathroom rituals. Let’s see what a trip to the bathroom on orbit entails. Since astronauts are in a weightless environment, there is not enough gravity to hold a toilet bowl full of water in place or even keep the gross things that typically end up in a toilet from floating around. Because every thing floats, NASA had to develop a way to use air flow to make the urine or feces go where they wanted and not floating around in the space craft.

More than just hot air...

Benjamin Franklin is one of the most prominent figures in American History. He discovered electricity, he participated in the drafting and signing of The Declaration of Independence, and did much to lay the foundation for the society of the United States of America. He was a true renaissance man, and his inventions, quotes, and philosophical musings are still present in our daily lives, over 200 years after his death.

Do the math people, he’s on the $100 bill. George Washington is only on the $1. This guy was a “colonial rock star”.

Benjamin Franklin encouraged us to Fart Proudly

And, mixed in with his invention of the lightening rod, and bifocals, and his discovery of electricity, there is his love of farting.

Do we forget that everybody farts? Barack Obama? yes… The Pope? yes….Michael Jackson? well, not anymore….but, anybody who is alive is farting on a daily basis.

Franklin was not above recognizing this. And, to mess with the pretentious European scientific societies (the kind, I guess that now give out Nobel Prizes), Franklin wrote a letter in 1781 entitled “To The Royal Academy Of Farting”. In that letter, he proposed that a study should be commissioned to find a cure for nasty smelling farts. He indicated that this was a major issue that should be researched.

He felt this was a most useful and important research topic. After all, he argued, the philosophy of Socrates and Aristotle was nice, but how useful was it on a daily basis to the happiness and comfort of the common man?

Of course, he was just busting their balls. But now, 230 years later, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just take a daily pill and make our farts smell like roses? Or maybe like jasmine or fresh baked chocolate chip cookies?

That would be a fantastic invention…it’s a shame Franklin’s letter was just a joke, and that he spent all his time inventing useless things like bifocals, and banging debutantes…With global warming, the worldwide economic crisis, and swine flu, we sure could use some nice smelling farts these days.

Ultimate Silencer

Everyone farts… Whether it be in public, on a date, or during an interview, it happens and we know how embarrassing it can be.

Luckily, a man named “Big Chicken Mushroom” from WuHan, China, has invented the “Fart Silencer”, a small plastic tube that you… um… put in your butt.

The “Silencer” is a small plastic tube with one end that is completely open and the other end having numerous smaller holes in it.

Users are instructed to insert the open end into their butt when they feel a fart is coming. This should eliminate any unwanted sound farts tend to produce.

Users are also instructed to spray a cotton ball with their favorite perfume and put it into the “Fart Silencer” to eliminate any unwanted odor that might occur.

Fart Joke of the Day: Rover!

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.


The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains she has practically make her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and every so gently lets out a very dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.


Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Rover!".


The woman thought, "This is great! He thinks it's the dog!". A big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let out a much louder and longer rrrrrip.


The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Rover!". Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes! This is perfect!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it nor did she hold back. She ripped a fart so big and so loud that it made the windows vibrate.


Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn-it Rover get away from that woman before she craps on you!

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Probably not much of a joke to anybody who’s ever gone to a public school…

NO PANTS SHUFFLE...

Upon realizing that the bathroom in which you have just taken a deuce is void of toilet paper (TP) one must then preform the No pants shuffle which is a sidestepping manuver with the pants around the ankles towards a source of TP intended to prevent anything from touching the undergarments or back of knees. This should preferable be a clandestine and undetectable opperation.

Staten Island man angry at his pregnant ex-girlfriend arrested for flaming excrement attack

A Staten Island man angry at his pregnant ex-girlfriend smeared excrement on her apartment door and set it on fire, authorities said Tuesday.

Neither the six-months pregnant girlfriend, her two small children with another man, or a fourth person inside the apartment were injured.

The suspect, Rasheen Harrison, 24, was arrested Sunday morning at the scene -- a building on Vanderbilt Ave.

But he wasn't done yet, authorities said.

Harrison relieved himself inside a cell at the 120th Precinct stationhouse and decorated the walls there with his excrement, forcing police to take him to Bellevue Hospital for a psychiatric observation.

He was later charged with arson, criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, menacing and endangering the welfare of a child, said a spokesman for Staten Island District Attorney Daniel Donovan.

Harrison, whose nickname is Illuminati, told police he was angry at his ex-girlfriend because she stole his cell.